No, you didn’t forget, we hadn’t scheduled a home-visit.
We at the Pet’s Adoption Agency, prefer to catch our prospective adopters unaware so that we can see their lair, I mean, the home environment as it actually is — not staged how you think we want it.
May we come in?
Oh, I love what you’ve done to the place. Shabby Chic, is it? It looks like there are several places to trim one’s claws.
Hmm, I don’t know if I appreciate your taste in art — too many pictures of dogs for my liking. Oh, you love dogs? Make a note of that on the application, Patches.
As cats, our loyalties are always firmly aligned with felines, Carol, and we expect the same of our potential cat parents. We’re not saying you can’t have a dog; we only ask that you put your cats first.
You don’t mind if I rub up against all your furniture, do you? I’m marking it for our records — it’s part of the protocol.
Patches is in charge of the video documentation, and it’s his job to include everything. If he wanders off on his own, please don’t be alarmed, he’s house-trained.
Now, let’s get down to business, shall we?
Patches, you sit on top of the mantel to start and make sure your paw isn’t covering the lens this time.
I’ll take the easy chair. Oh, that’s your chair, Carol, then I’m sure you won’t mind me sitting in it.
I’ve taken the liberty to run a credit check, investigated all your social media, and performed some DNA tests.
Where did I get the genetic material? I’m not required to give out that information, Carol, but we can say our network includes several feral and stray cats who’re authorized to knock over trash cans and search them for pertinent information.
Let me remind you, Carol, by submitting your application, you agreed to our thorough screening process.
Getting back to some of my concerns.
Your credit score was average — I hope you’re working on that. I’d hate for you to be in the position where you had to choose between feeding yourself or feeding your pet. You’d always sacrifice yourself when it comes to the needs of your pet, isn’t that correct, Carol?
Patches, please come down and sit in Carol’s lap, and proceed with the biscuit-making.
The purpose of this exercise is twofold — to see if you possess the necessary affection and petting skills, and secondly, to access your potential as human-furniture.
No, Carol, you certainly may not brush Patches off your lap.
I’d hate to invoke Statute 1196BT14, which states, “ If a cat or other pet is resting comfortably on a human’s body, the human is forbidden from disturbing said pet.” If you break the rule, you’ll have to pay a hefty fee.
I said fee, Carol, not fleas.
Which reminds me, You don’t use any of that burning poison to get rid of our friends the fleas, do you, Carol?
I can personally say, I’d rather be infested than fumigated. Wouldn’t you agree, Patches? The last time anybody tried to put that vile stuff on me, I went all cat-scratch-fever on their ass.
I have a short quiz for you, Carol, and I’d appreciate if you’d answer honestly.