First off, let me get something straight. Yes, I feed on children’s fear (mainly because it’s an excellent source of protein and omega-3 fatty acids) — but I also eat plenty of regular foods. I’m a monster, not an ascetic.
Plenty of people have asked me what I eat in a day (besides fear) to stay small enough to fit into a storm drain. Usually, I keep my personal routines a secret, but my buddy Jason (Voorhees — he has dreadful acne because of his diet of Funyuns and Diet Mountain Dew) just started a blog and is making enough money to keep him in name-brand hockey masks for eternity.
It’s surprisingly expensive to live in the city sewer (I pay my taxes just like all of you), and kidnapping children just isn’t paying the bills the way it used to. So, I’m hoping I can be like Jason and be able to pay my rent before I go back into hibernation for the next 27 years.
What I eat in a day
6:00 am: I start my day off right with a cup of warm water with just the tiniest squeeze of a child’s arterial blood (organic, of course). This helps warm up my digestion so that I can consume up to twelve children in one day.
7:00 am: After letting the hot water work its magic, I have my breakfast smoothie. I just open my mouth and pop in some locally-sourced oat milk, chia seeds (full of fiber), a banana, and a troublesome child’s tongue. My twenty-two rows of teeth can act as a blender, so I pulverize everything into a delightful viscous goo and slurp it all down. Delicious.
9:30 am: A child’s tongue doesn’t have a ton of protein, so I’m usually hungry again by mid-morning. I favor a bag of all-natural circus peanuts mixed with children’s finger bones for that extra crunch. Plus, the stevia in the circus peanuts helps me absorb the marrow nutrients from the bones.
11:30 am: For lunch, I love some avocado toast. I toast two slices of artisanal sourdough using the deadlights beaming from my eyes, then I mash up half an avocado on each slice. I top it with a sunny side up eyeball, which is rich in fat and protein.
2:00 pm: The eyeball was on the small side (the downside of eating children), so I’m hungry again pretty fast. I’m on the go, hunting down a boy with a fear of cats, so I morph into a feline, find a plump mouse scurrying around in the boy’s front yard, and swallow it whole. That gives me enough energy to chase down and capture the boy, who was hiding under his bed, of all places. Please, children — if you really want to get away, don’t hide under the bed. That’s far too obvious. It almost makes the chase boring. Plus, if you run, that little bit of adrenaline adds a pleasant, piquant flavor to your flesh that I quite enjoy.
5:00 pm: I’ve caught the boy, and I end my day with honey-barbecue child arms. It’s been a busy day and I’m feeling naughty, so I treat myself to cotton candy infused with cat-boy’s last screams.
And that’s it! I don’t eat after 5 pm because those calories would go straight to my feet and my red nose, both of which are already big enough.
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